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In the wake of my changed romantic status and current emotional state, I’ve considered turning my heart to stone. It seems like the easiest way to move on. The sad thing about some breakups is that love, attraction, and affection often remain intact for both parties, and it’s the desire to keep those alive that makes it so difficult to let go. In fact, if it weren’t for the breakdown in other elements such as trust, empathy, understanding, or even just basic communication, I believe many relationships would make it. I know without a doubt that my relationship would have lasted. When you feel that you’ve met the only person who can “complete” your life, in that your values, humor, social, and emotional sensibilities all jive, but that you couldn’t overcome some of the aforementioned issues that often plague relationships…it tugs endlessly at your heartstrings. You wonder why you couldn’t do better….faster. You wish with all your might you would have done better, but somewhere along the way selfishness or stupidity, or just plain stubbornness set in – as often happens with the human race - and you were paralyzed to do the things or make the changes that could bring about a resolution. Or, do we shoulder all the blame and responsibility to avoid admitting that the reason we act out or lose understanding or become distrustful in the first place is really because there are deep underlying problems? That, in truth, the relationship may never have gone anywhere, anyway?
When talking with my friends about my relationship woes, I try to be brutally honest and often incriminate myself for things I never even did, or at least didn’t do willingly. Call me a glutton for punishment, but I try to avoid filtering my perception of what happened and usually start by letting them know right away where my failings were. The thing about friends is that as long as you didn’t murder and dismember your partner and deposit the pieces in a 55-gallon drum, they will almost always support you 100 percent. And even if you did do something so criminal, they would simply ask you “Well, did he/she deserve it?” Your friends listen without judgment and criticism, but the ruling will always be in your favor because if they didn’t show unswerving support, they really wouldn’t be your friends, now would they? But in the end, they go home to their lovers or spouses and receive the comfort and safe harbor that is only possible in a romantic relationship, while you’re left alone with your demons, crushed spirit, and feelings of devastation and utter remorse. They tell you everything will be all right, but deep down inside they’re forever thankful that their own relationships are still intact. They can empathize only because they’ve probably been there before with an old flame, and they know they never want to be there again. I know. I was one of these people just two short weeks ago.
So, in the end, we’re really left alone to pick up the pieces and decide how to move on. Some of us will get right back on the horse, so to speak, and try again with someone new. Some of us will ponder and ruminate and drop out of civilization until the pain eventually extinguishes. Some of us will be so devastated, that we’ll close off our hearts and avoid relationships for a long time or maybe even forever. Yep, I’ve considered the last option – of turning my heart to stone – but instead, I’ll give those feelings of love the respect they deserve. It’s not the easier route, but it’s the better route for longtime growth and understanding. After all, isn’t that the only benefit to be had once a relationship goes south? I mean, I’d hate to think the suffering is all for naught.
Is it really possible to change facets of your personality and behavior with a specific outcome in mind? I’ve always believed in my heart of hearts that it is, and I know that I’ve grown and changed immensely over the years – but, was my growth intentional or merely incidental? I decided to do some research on the topic to see what I could dig up. What I found were many fascinating quotations that all seemed to come about as a response to my question of change.
“To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.” [Henri Bergson, French philosopher, 1859 - 1941]
“The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.” [Charles DuBois, American chemist, 1912 - 1971]
“There’s only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.” [Aldous Huxley, English writer, 1894 - 1963]
“People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built.” [Eleanor Roosevelt, First Lady, 1884 - 1962]
All of these quotes suggest taking control over one’s change, as opposed to it coming about by mere accident. That can be seen in the action words “creating,” “sacrificing,” and “improving.” It follows then, that many respected persons throughout history have strongly believed that purposeful, intentional change in a human is not only possible, but quite desirable and necessary for living a meaningful existence.
But how does this desire to change come about? Are most people so in tune to themselves that they know how to make important changes just in time for them to be valuable? Or do they discover the need to change as a result of life experiences? The answers lie again in the words of others.
“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” [M. Scott Peck, psychiatrist and best-selling author]
“Most people can look back over the years and identify a time and place at which their lives changed significantly. Whether by accident or design, these are the moments when, because of a readiness within us and a collaboration with events occurring around us, we are forced to seriously reappraise ourselves and the conditions under which we live and to make certain choices that will affect the rest of our lives.” [Frederick F. Flack]
This notion of “reappraising” oneself is a perfect way to explain the kind of change I’m talking about. It’s the kind of change that results from knowing that you’ve failed, or reached a road block, and wanting to make a significant difference in the way you handle yourself and certain situations in the future. It’s kind of like a dandelion pushing through the earth and on its way having to weave through concrete and brick, but in the course purposely changing its growth pattern to come out of the dark and into the light. Like the dandelion (and many individuals throughout history), I too am battling obstacles in order to make some changes for a brighter future. And, let me tell you – it’s nice to know I’m in such good company.
I’ve spent the last year of my life trying to make someone else happy, and in the process made us both miserable. Enough is enough. I’m taking back control and empowering myself to be who I’ve always been (but forgot for a while); admiring myself for the challenges that have made me who I am today (instead of chastising myself); loving myself for the things I do give to others (instead of punishing myself for not living up to their expectations); and forgiving myself for doing all the above entirely wrong for the past year. Of course, this is all well and good, but at the end of the day words are just words. That’s why I’ve made a “Plan for Taking Back Control” and am sticking to it.
For starters, I’m returning to writing at least every other night. And, and in order to do so, I’m leaving Facebook behind for the near future. I’m also taking charge over my physical well-being. I plan on shaking to the ground this lead suit of chronic pain by slowly strengthening myself with private pilates lessons. I may not ever rid myself of this pain disorder (brought on after a nasty fall), but I can sure reap the benefits of trying. I am very excited about my first upcoming pilates session. In addition, I will continue the work I’ve been doing in counseling to help me push past my fears and shortcomings. Honestly, I wouldn’t bother, if not for having an incredible counselor, because many of these so-called “licensed” therapists are total quacks. And, at the suggestion of a friend, I’m planning on attending a three-day intensive workshop known as the The Landmark Forum (www.landmarkeducation.com). Now, normally, I’m not a big fan of this kind of organized, feel-good fest, but this one really seems different. In the syllabus I see lots of things that appeal to me including the segment “How Identities Get Constructed” which I think can be helpful in rebuilding family relationships, and many other offerings including “The Pervasiveness of the Past,” “The Vicious Circle,” and “Freedom from Anxiety.” So, The Landmark Forum is where I’ll be the last weekend in February.
And that’s my Plan for Taking Back Control. As for why I recently went astray, I’ll never understand, but emotions (especially powerful ones like love) can shake us to the very core – sometimes bringing out the ugly, along with the beautiful, no matter how hard we resist. Love can unearth things that lie dormant in our souls like weaknesses, past hurts, and fears, but it can also resurrect in our hearts compassion, tenderness, and the ability to share. For most, it takes work to balance out the two, and that’s where I’m still growing. Just because I’m not there yet, doesn’t make me a bad person, or a failure, it just means that I’ve got lessons ahead – that I’m still alive and living. If I’ve missed out on opportunities, there will be other ones; if I’ve hurt anyone, it was done unintentionally; and if I’ve owned my part in it and am committed to improving, things will only be better next time.
We each only have one life to live, and we can make all the excuses in the world not to evolve, but the pathway of happiness demands a deeper understanding and commitment to ourselves. As for me, I refuse to waste another minute. I am now, once again, holding securely onto the reins of my life and I plan on making it a wonderful ride.
Well, not entirely, but I did have quite a fun time photographing the season’s offerings at our local pumpkin patch. You can see more of that on my Flickr site at: http://www.flickr.com/photos/samaraiodice/
And, to those people (all three of them) who have asked “Samara, when will you be writing another essay of epic proportion?” I tell them to sit tight for a few more days. I will be publishing again soon. But, for now, if anyone comes here looking for a good (or at least unique) read, please peruse the links to the left under “Recent Musings.” I recommend “Made in China” to, hopefully, put a smile on your face.
PEACE TO YOU ALL ~ Samara
Rainy days are never wasted on me. I have always had an affinity for rain, but since I have taken ill, rain is even more significant to me. While watching the heavy droplets pound my window during this latest California storm, I pondered as to why this could be. Many ideas crossed my mind. Could it be that I am hypnotized by the melodious pitter-patter on the roof while sipping a steaming hot cup of ginger tea? Is it that I am enchanted by the awakened scent of moist earth and honeysuckle? Or does it remind me of my childhood spent in Florida, where a fresh rain never failed to drastically cool the hot, sticky, uncomfortable summer? I surmised that all of these are true, but that none of them have any specific tie to my recent illness. Then it suddenly occurred to me that on the recent days it has rained I felt like a normal person. Not an odd hermit living in self-imposed exile, but your everyday, healthy person enjoying the laziness of a rainy day. The rain gave me an excuse to fall off the face of the earth. The rain made me feel whole again…even if for just a fleeting moment.
Say What You Will